Confidence in Creation

As artists or writers, we are often our own worst critics. It’s always “this looks wrong” or “that looks weird.” Or the constant comparison of “I’m not as good as this person” or “I’m not as creative as that person.” It’s safe to say that the self criticism is endless - but comparison crushes creativity.

It’s taken me a long time to shake the idea that, in order for my time to be worthy, I must create something that turns a profit. For so long, I was consumed by the idea that I made art to make money, or I made art to get good grades. However, as I have spent more time at home than ever because of this pandemic, I’ve done a bit of soul searching. I’ve made discoveries and created habits that have not only improved my lifestyle, but my creativity as well.

Growing up, I loved drawing, painting, and writing. My parents and all my friends knew this about me. It was expected of me to go to school for art, and I received so much support from my family - for which, I am very grateful. But as time went on, and I made it through high school and started college, creation became a chore to me. Being told what to make, what to draw, what to write, what is good, what is not good. . . it drained me.

I loved art and I couldn’t understand why I felt so trapped. It seemed as though my professors didn’t like me, I wasn’t doing well in my classes, and I had no motivation or desire to make art as I used to. The structure of the program wasn’t suited for my personality or goals.

The joy of it was sucked completely dry. And for a long time, I carried on with this route because it was expected - it was what I had planned to do almost my whole life. But then I started playing around with some ideas. I realized that it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy art; I just didn’t like making art for other people. I wanted to make it for myself. In my heart, I knew that I wasn’t happy with my situation, but I wasn’t sure how to take a risk.

When I changed my major to creative writing, I was concerned about what my parents would think. Even though I had done countless hours of research and study into what I really wanted to do, it scared me to think of their reaction. And they were pretty shocked. But the actual decision was the easiest thing in the world. I changed my major to creative writing and am now minoring in art. Immediately, it felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

Sylvia Plath said, “the worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” We often don’t fulfill our greatest potential when we are following what people expect us to do. Sometimes we even expect things of ourselves that just don’t fit with what we really want.

If you are feeling unsatisfied, though it can come off as scary, risky, and confusing, I would encourage you to take a step backwards and ask yourself: why? What are you doing? Why are you doing it? What do you want to do? Why aren’t you?

Take control over what you can. Do your research, try new things, and make the changes you want to see. Life truly is what we make it into. Having confidence in what you do and how you live will open doors unlike anything else.

For years, I let life happen to me without taking any control, and I was miserable. There were moments of success and joy, but for the most part I was insecure and self-deprecating. This past year I got fed up and took things into my own hands. And it has made all the difference.

So, let’s take a second and think back to the essential question: why do we create? We create because we are human. It is in our nature to understand through stories and art. We are artists because we have ideas to express. We are writers because we have things to say.

Don’t let the fear of failure stop you. Because in the end, it isn’t about success or failure. Not truly. In the end it’s about making something to be proud of. Proud because we dared to be human to the fullest extent.